The idea of dating when you are chronically ill is terribly daunting. How do you meet someone to start with? And if you do meet someone what would you talk about??? What is he going to think when he looks in your fridge? What is she going to think when she finds your enema kit hanging in your bathroom? Is you earthing sheet or sleep sanctuary going to make him think you belong in a different kind of sanctuary?
We thought it would be fun to write some upfront personal ads. Please feel free to add yours in the comments!
Personals written by Ashley, Candice and Eric. Don’t even try to figure out who wrote which!
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Attractive 30 something seeks tall, confident, successful man late 30′s-40′s. Must have a strong stomach and be down with reverse lattes, homemade nasal spray, talking about my worm collection, strict diets and long naps.
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Sensitive female looking for a strong, compassionate, fragrance free man. Familiarity with ambulance and emergency rooms is a plus.
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Looking for tall, attractive, easy going, mature, currently employed man. Must live in a 2 bedroom house, at minimum. Personal transportation preferable, and bicycles don’t count. Must be down with the fact that I put coffee up my butt, pee up my nose, and stick coconut oil on anything or anywhere that looks suspicious. Must be okay with eating all things green and abstaining from most things white, and eating meals that only consist of 3 or 4 ingredients. I don’t really dine out and you’re probably not going to want to come back to my place.
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Single young female looking for attractive and friendly 20-something male, whose brain resides in his head and not elsewhere. Must either be in school or employed. Paramedics and pre-med students are a plus. Must not be alarmed by cardiac episodes, and bonus points if experienced in CPR.
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Looking for tall, attractive, 20-something male with good sense of humor. Must enjoy short walks on the beach, and long afternoons on the couch. Preferably fragrance free and down with the aroma of cooking cruciferous vegetables. Must be okay with never dining out, and should be familiar with terms such as “gluten”, “methylcobalamin” and “encephalopathy”.
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Young female looking for knight in shining armor. Preferably tall, dark and handsome, but will make exceptions for those employed by nutritional supplement companies, Whole Foods, or the medical industry. Must be in good condition and preferably able to occasionally lift 105 pounds. Must entirely abstain from use of cigarettes and cologne. Abstaining from glutenous foods and all things sugary and frosted is a plus. Incredibly open mind required.
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Single  female, 30 something, interests include health and extreme wellness despite her lack of it. But, she doesn’t look sick so you can be proud to have her by your side when you take her out to meet your friends. You may have to ask her not to speak for fear she will say something that the average person will most likely find offensive. For example she has a habit of talking about bowel movements while eating, especially in large groups. She will also tell everyone about all her parasites. No matter what craziness comes out of her mouth you must believe her. Chances are every word of it is true.
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Sensual 30 something, with a bit of a wild streak, looking to break barriers and expand boundaries.  Very hot… due to chronic illness induced temperature intolerance. Thanks to illness’s effects on the brain I have several personalities for you to choose from.  Must be open to unorthodox enemas.  If unorthodox enemas excite you, then I’m not the girl for you. Money can’t buy happiness, but I’m willing to give it a try.
Turn ons:  Gluten Free food, Good health insurance coverage
Turn offs:  Being awake more than 12 hours a day, Ticks, People who put coffee in oral orifice’s, Infectious Diseases Society of America
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Shy, intelligent, sexy 30 something, back on the scene.  I live an extremely alternative lifestyle, but still looking for soul mate.  Extreme lifestyle includes:  Coffee Enemas, Urine sinus drops, Strict diet, severe gastrointestinal distress (I’m not ashamed of what goes on in there, you shouldn’t be either), bladder control issues (tickling is out of the question) and a severe addiction to pills, mixtures, drops and powders.  Looking for soul mate, someone with great health insurance, nice 401K, access to medical care and looking for possible future commitment (to me, and the costly life saving treatments I will require that you pay for).